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November 27th, 2007
03:50 pm
Wow its rather crazy. I haven't written in this thing in almost 2 years now and I really miss it. Too bad I deleted most of the entries. I wish I could read now what I wrote then. My outlooks on life have drastically changed. Okay maybe not that much because I still agree with everything I wrote in that last entry but I'm a lot less angry now then I used to be. Maybe that's because I purged my life of all the negative shit around me and finally have some peace with myself. I mean I still have a crackhead best friend but sometimes denial is the only thing that holds friendships together. Just reading those 3 little entries brings me back to an odd place in my life. I thought I was genuinely happy back then but I really wasn't. In fact, I was quite miserable. Back when I couldn't control my moods and my boyfriend controlled everything else. Good to know things have changed.
I have a much better family circle now. I have surrounded myself with positive people for the most part and I don't dread how they're going to react to things I do. They accept me for who I am and usually don't scold me for the silly things I may do. The love of my life is not really who I thought it was way back then. I thought the person who controlled my life was my love and it wasn't until I started controlling things on my own that I realized I loved someone totally different. A person with different outlooks on life, different music tastes, looked completely different (and sexy I might add) then the person I had been with or so many years. And now I am complete and happy.
Its funny what a couple years can change...
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March 11th, 2006
10:30 am
My best friend is in from Santa Barbera. Its been a long time since we saw each other. We hung out at the local coffee shop this morning with another friend who I haven't seen in 7 months. God it was great to catch up on old times. Its good to see I'm not the only one who's gained weight. Something about those girls when they move away.. they just wither away to nothing and then bam they gain weight out of nowhere. Ali moved back home so that explains her filling out but Sandy just drinks all the time. Disappointing a bit but she looks healthy. Its funny because we all used to be skinny girls together in high school... the pretty ones who make friends with everyone but forget all the names. Now we never see each other and we value our friendship that much more. Its like a blessing when you get a phone call from one of them. Its so unexpected now because everyone is so busy. But its nice to hear that we're still best friends. No matter who Sandy meets I'm still her best friend and she's still mine. Its nice to be reminded of that from time to time. Like today. When just sitting in a coffee shop for 10 minutes reminds you why you always loved her and never left her side. Why best friends always described us. We love the time we share, especially now when those times are so rare. We cherish every minute spent with each other because who knows when we will see each other again. Its so nice to be reminded of who your friends are.
Current Music: Panic At The Disco
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November 28th, 2005
04:41 pm
So I guess you really do learn something new everyday. Last time I checked I wasn't poor or rich. I was in the middle, caught between government bureaucracy and high taxes. So newsflash to Amanda when everyone around me thinks I am a rich spoiled girl. Well thanks everyone. Just because my parents have money doesn't mean I'm rich nor does it imply I have a perfect life. Hey, I don't get what I want all the time and hey I have debts like every other American middle class citizen. Does a $5000 school loan ring a debt bell anyone? No? Well it did for me. Does the fact that I have a beat up truck as old as me (literally) that leaks brake fluid ring a bell? No? Well it did for me! But maybe I'm crazy and these are the ramblings of a spoiled little bitch who takes everything she gets for granted.
I guess all that matters anymore is what people think about you because what can you change by thinking good about yourself? Right? I mean if you are the only person who thinks you are beautiful than you must be pretty ugly right? Because no one else thinks you're beautiful right? At least its become a distorted kind of comfort knowing that no matter how miserable you have grown to be, no has a perfect life. A sickening display of complacency that everyone is miserable and unhappy no matter how happy they look. Does it make you feel good to know that everyone's lives are crumbling around you and you are the only one with some semblance of a life? Do you sleep better at night knowing that everyone feels fucking miserable about life and love and all the shit in between? That right! You are the only real person with real happiness! You are the only one with a life to be proud of! You are the only with beautiful life full of fortunate events and happy memories! If thats what gets you to sleep in your bed of dreams than go ahead and sleep in the cloud of lies that surround you. One day I will tell you how horrible everyone thinks you are. Thats what you get for being happy. Everyone hates you... and now your life is incomplete. You are like us now. You have nothing to live for now. We don't look up to you and we don't admire your false beauty and your facade of a life. We despise you for making our lives more real. We hate you for being the only one who has everything we wish we had. And now you get to die alone, without your dreams or beauty. Because in your wake, everyone has become beautiful and lucky and fortunate and wide-eyed with dreams of what you once had and know we have.
Current Mood: So Not Emo
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02:59 pm
the build up. tension. pressure. rapid heart beats. the bubble bursts. nothing is left. something less beautiful. but nothing less important. ramble on about notions fraught with messes. in the end it all falls down. time moves on without moving. space collapses without falling. people try to be beautiful. fuck beauty. beauty is the plague that kills our society. what is the only you regret? nothing? are you sure? i can think of things! but those don't matter. life doesn't matter anymore. all that matters is beauty. that which destroys. that which fucks our universe. FUCK BEAUTY. life rolls forward. uninterrupted. denial. under your cellar door.
Current Music: Fall Out Boy- Sophomore Slump of Comeback of the Year
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